I have been blessed with a good home, good friends, and many talents, yet to this day, I often feel I am not good enough. Even though I can recognize my talents and skills, I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. Many people tell me how blessed I am, yet to me, its not enough.

Today, the question was presented to me, “When, or what will it take to make you feel ‘good enough'”? Damn good question if you ask me. I could not answer that question, except to say that when I’m the best, it will be good enough. Here lies the problem with that statement, I will never be the best. It is an impossible goal. There will always be someone better or different that could help me improve. I can never be perfect. So with that in mind, I’d like to change my answer to the following:

I will be good enough when I’m the best that I can be. But even that is not the right answer. Because tomorrow, I will be better than I was today. Next year, I will be better than I am now. I would then like to amend my answer to the following…

“I will be good enough when I am the best I can be at this moment“. And here is the real answer, I AM the best I can be at this moment, and therefore, I AM good enough already. I will always strive to be better, to learn more, and improve myself. But each day that passes, I already am “good enough”.

So if you ever feel like you are not good enough, just remember, that “good enough” is relative to your current situation. You ARE good enough at this very moment. You ARE the best you can be at this moment. And tomorrow you will be even better. Keep trying to improve, keep moving forward, and know that today, you are good enough.

The last couple months of my life have been one of the most difficult times I have experienced. It has opened my eyes to hurt and anger I have been holding on for many years. I have come to the realization that I must change my thought patterns and my habits to find the happiness that I desire. I wish it wasn’t too late for some lost friendships, but I can only go forward. This post is about applying forgiveness and emotional release techniques to remove bad emotions from my thoughts and focus on a healthy life.

I’ve also been learning much about boundaries and ways that I have allowed people to hurt me. I can only blame myself for being hurt, for letting someone continue behavior that goes against my beliefs. “I” have allowed these people in my life to cause me pain. I have chosen painful thoughts and anger. It is MY job to remove these things from my life. And when I’m done, we’ll see who chooses to remain a part of my life.

“How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself” Publilius Syrus

Forgiveness

What exactly is it? And why is it so important? I think I’m a perfect example of why forgiveness is necessary every day. I have failed to forgive people who have wronged me, and I have carried my pain and burden for years. Projecting my pain onto other people when they don’t deserve it, and compounding my feelings when they do something wrong to me. Forgiveness is for myself. It does not condone the actions or words of another. Instead, it is a release of the negative emotions towards someone, choosing to be positive even when someone hurts you. Forgiving someone does not mean you need to keep them in your life. If they show a pattern of words or actions that go against your belief system, then it may be time to remove them from your life. But you can still forgive them. Forgiveness comes from the mind and heart. You acknowledge the pain and wrondoing and release the offender from judgement and condemnation.

Everyone lies to some degree, but I have always felt (my belief system) that when its really important, and it really matters, you should always be upfront and honest. Honesty allows the other person to evaluate the true nature of something, and make the best decision possible. You cannot do that when lies are present. So let’s take the woman who claimed I was the father of her child as an example. She lied, and made me believe I was the father. Perhaps she was scared to admit that she cheated. Perhaps she wanted me to be the father and was scared that I wasn’t. Whatever her reasons, she felt justified in lying. In my mind, I thought that was a horrible attack on my belief system and how could I forgive someone who could just lie to me about something so important. It really doesn’t matter why. What matters is that it scarred me and still does to this day. What matters is letting go of the pain and emotions I have felt so that I can be happy.

Shifting Statements

This is a concept where you can quickly and easily changing your thinking. For example, your thought might be “this person said [blank] and it hurts me”. Change your thought to “ok, this is a challenge I have”. Recite to yourself things in a way that are focused on positive results and achievements, rather than failures.

How To Forgive

Write down what bothers you,

Write down a description of how someone hurt you, what they said or did that reacted in your current emotional state. Be specific about the event or action, and the words said. Recognize the behavior and how it relates to your belief system.

Write down everything you feel.

Don’t hold back. Explore your feelings. Dig deep to understand why you are hurt. It’s ok to feel these things right now. You are exploring what exactly you need to get rid of or change. If you can’t recognize what is hurting you, then how can you solve it? What believe system do you carry that causes you to feel pain? Do you believe that lying is wrong? Or someone disrespected you? Is it your ego? Pride? This is the time to really explore and BE HONEST with yourself about how you feel. If you can’t be honest about it, no one else will understand how you feel. Is your belief system valid or based on misconceptions? Maybe it is even time to change your own belief. You might even be in a situation where you are wrong to feel upset, but it is up to you to recognize this and change yourself. Take as much time as you need to get to the root problem of what you are feeling.

Put yourself in the other persons shoes.

We’ve all heard this, but it is often easier said than done. I read a number of books awhile back exploring the psychology of criminals and how they almost always have justification in their minds for their actions. They believe they were doing the right thing, so how could they be guilty. I think we all do this, some more than others. But if you think about your own actions, you feel justified based on your belief system.

I had a friend that believes they are constantly in danger. They examine every detail in a way that makes them think people are out to get them. They feel justified in their actions because their belief system tells them that they are in danger. They reinforce this belief system by adding to it with every new thought. When they continue to examine life this way, they will continue to find more reasons to feel danger and put blame on those around them. This is an unhealthy way of thinking and will continue until they can examine their own beliefs and determine how to change their thoughts.

So we should take a moment, and really try to feel why someone has taken a particular action. Why do they feel justified? What could make them think that was the best action to take. What belief systems do they have that conflict with your own? Now we are starting to get down to the real reasons frienships fail. We too often have one view, one belief, and unless you are open to exploring other ideas, you cannot change. I want to change!

Accept that the past is gone

The only thing that remains is your feelings about it. You have full responsibility for your own feelings, and you can change your perspective as needed. You do not need to suffer.

What have your learned?

Examine if you have learned something from this. Look at the positive aspects of this situation. Was this a teaching moment? Maybe you still don’t see the lesson yet, but more often than not, there will be a lesson to improve yourself in some way.

Pack up those negative emotions.

Visualize yourself packing up any negative feelings and releasing them from your mind, body, and soul. Allow yourself to feel love that is inside all of us. It’s ok to remember that you were hurt, but you no longer need to have any negative feelings.

Brain Chemistry and Emotional Baggage

There are numerous articles and research on the following concept: “What we think about, believe in, and pursue, becomes our reality”. That is to say, if we think negative thoughts, we will become negative. If we think good thoughts, we will become more positive. If we look for signs of danger, we will always be afraid. It has been shown that our brains build neuro-pathways when we focus on something. And things we put less effort will be released from active parts of your brain. Your thoughts will quite literally change the functions of your brain and body. I’m not a doctor, so perhaps someone with that knowledge will comment here, but it makes perfect sense. We record thoughts and emotions constantly and in order to do so, our brain has to change itself to accomodate those thoughts. By focusing on positive, loving, and caring aspects, we are building our brain to function in a positive way. New experiences will then reflect in a positive way upon us. If we always explore the negative, every new feeling will also be on the negative side. Over time, your positive thoughts will reinforce themselves and you will feel better. Give it time, but start now and choose to think differently. Your happiness depends upon it.

Today

Until I can accomplish these things with ease, I will begin by writing down things every day that I view as a success, or a step in the right direction. I believe writing it down, and the ability to review it will be helpful to instill good thoughts.

Each day, I will also explore (using the above techniques) a person, or situation that has caused me suffering. My goal is to release the hurt and anger I feel from these moments in life so that I put my energy into good thoughts and habits.

I will try to stay positive.

Wish me luck, and feel free to comment if you have suggestions.

We have all lost people in our lives. Relationships end, friendships end, even by death. When I don’t really care for someone, its a simple task for me to coldly walk away and be done with them. But when I do have feelings, it tears me apart in a way I’m not sure I can even explain. I find it hard to get through the day. I torment myself with my thoughts of what did I do wrong? Could I have been better? Why does this person hate me so much they won’t even talk to me. Ahhh, the dreaded silent treatment. I’ve been reading about that. Perhaps I’ll discuss that in another post.

So why does it hurt so much? It seems easy for some people let go, but I have to admit that for me, I just feel lost and devastated. I think that people are uncaring, cold, they don’t care about me, never loved me. They don’t value me, or I wasn’t good enough.

None of these feelings I have are healthy. So how do I go forward?

Face the loss and allow yourself to grieve.

It is ok to feel sad, upset and cry. You have to give yourself time to grieve in order to feel happy again. The past cannot be changed, but you can move forward. There is no time frame for how long you can or should grieve. I suspect its different for everyone, easier for some, and more difficult for others. Life is constantly changing, so accept the loss and accept that you hurt.

Find an activity or task that is positive and brings you joy.

Keeping busy is paramount to your healing. If you need a therapist, find one. If you need a friend, ask someone. Participate in a hobby or activity that you enjoy. That joy will carry on in other areas of your life. The more you focus on happy things, the happier you will feel, and know that it will take time.

Speak with friends. 

Friends have a way of making you feel better. Making you realize it may not be your fault for your loss. Or even if it is, accepting those faults, learning from them, and being a better person.

Don’t have regrets.

Don’t regret the past. You can’t change it, you can’t question your every action, or those of the other person. Moving forward is about accepting what has happened and choosing to be a better person. If you wallow in the mistakes and the past, you will find it difficult to heal. If you examine every detail of what happened, you may find yourself looking for blame, or excuses for your pain. I have learned that its never just one person’s fault. While I have made plenty of mistakes, most certainly the other person has made mistakes as well. Realize that it is never entirely your fault.

Think about the good things you had with that person

Recall and remember all the things you loved about that person. The good memories will help you see that person in a better light. Always looking at their faults will simply cause you more pain and suffering. Remember the good times, the way they laughed, the nice things they did for you and you may just find yourself appreciating that person. What you focus on is what you will feel. If you focus on the bad parts, you will feel bad. If you focus on the good things, you will feel joy. I personally find this difficult when I’m harboring anger and pain. This is the time to let go of the anger and accept. Even at this moment, as I think good thoughts of someone, I can feel my anger slipping away (a little).

Always give your best effort

We all make mistakes. We all say things we don’t mean. It’s easy to jump to conclusions, and take rash actions. Accept it. We are not perfect. One thing I’ve always believed is to continue to try. I have often found myself trying to hang on to someone I love even when I know they are causing me more suffering. But it hurts to let go, so you try again. Its ok to try. Its ok to apologize. I have even been called passive-aggressive when my mood goes from one of “I don’t want to give up, I care about you” to the next thought (which usually comes out as anger), “you’re hurting me too much and this must end”. None of us want to hurt. If you care about someone, go ahead and tell them, and if they choose not to respond, or don’t feel the same, then its ok to let it go.  If you find yourself in a pattern with someone who is not having a positive aspect on your life, then it IS time to let it go and move on to something better.

In something I read recently, it talked about how to achieve your goals. When you have a goal, you should examine your actions and make a conscious decision. Is this activity or event positive toward the achievement of your goal? If it is not, then you should be taking a different path. I fail at this far too often. I pledge now to examine my actions and activities in a more positive light and work only towards my goals, and I accept that I will make mistakes.

Loss will always take time. You can expect pain, but it will fade. If you focus on the positive parts of your life, you can move on. You can be better. You can heal. I have to accept that I will always make mistakes, and realize that those people that truly care about me, will forgive my mistakes and help me be a better person.

Today I discovered I have rather severe abandonment issues. I’m 47 years old. I have felt for a very long time that I am just alone. I’m always alone. No one sticks with me. When I do things, I generally do them alone. I feel jealous of other peoples relationships, and can even feel angry that they are the lucky ones. Losing a relationship with someone I care for can be devastating to me. I recently lost someone I love very much. Though I believe we both have made mistakes, my own may have made the problems insurmountable.

I am afraid of social group settings. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. So I tend to stick to myself. I often feel I am worthless, no one cares about me, I have thought about suicide and giving up, and I have buried my fears with heavy drinking.

I will usually take one of two actions when someone leaves. 1. Beg them to stick with me. I mean really, if they love me, how could they give up on me? True love doesn’t give up. 2. Walk away coldly and quietly, and never speak to them again.

I’m not a clingy person, but I feel happier in a relationship knowing I’m not alone. In fact, I’ve been told that i’m not very emotional at all, and I have even said its difficult for me to feel empathy. For example, your mom died 10 years ago, and you’re still hurting about it? I don’t feel that.

I have moved around many times in my life. In fact, I’ve written a song about it. (not me singing, i’m the guitarist). In all cases, the friends I had during that period and location, are no longer in my life. I only have a few good friends that have stuck with me over the years. I don’t generally hang out with anyone and tend to do my own.

I need reassurance on things I do that I’ve done a good job, and may even seek out approval of some task I’ve completed. I suppose that appreciation and / or praise makes me feel needed? I have much to be thankful for, and I have made some new and good friends, but most often, my mind is simply saying “i’m a failure in everything i do”. I never feel like I’m good enough.

I don’t know when my issues started, but my earliest recollection of loss was my first love. She got pregnant, and i was a 17 year old father. I helped raise the child for almost a year. I had my own apartment while I finished school, and worked full time as well. This girl and I broke up, and I was devastated. I remember one night I asked her point blank, “is there any possibility this isn’t my child”? I had suspicions. But she cried and said to me, “How can you think such a thing?”. I remember that night clearly. So during my senior year in high school, i was informed I have to pay child support. Well, I was broke. In an effort to delay payments until I graduated, I asked for a blood test. You can probably guess the answer by now, but yes, I was not the father. This whole situation destroyed me, and it was when I first learned a lesson that people can and will lie about anything and everything. No matter how important it is.

I want to say also, that my parents were great. I love them both very much. My mom passed a few years back, and I do not believe they have any cause to this. They always supported me, my father still does in every way, and I love him greatly. I think its me, and the people I chose to hang out with.

So with that, I will attempt to blog my thoughts during this recovery period. I will use this as a release, a distraction from the pain i’m feeling of a current loss, and method of sharing my feelings, and maybe someone will even benefit from what I am going through?

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton